How to Stop People-Pleasing (Without Becoming a Jerk)
If you're exhausted from always saying “yes,” feel guilty when you say “no,” and walk away from conversations feeling like you gave too much….you're probably caught in the people-pleasing loop.
Here’s the truth: People-pleasing isn’t kindness. It’s a survival strategy you learned long ago. Usually rooted in early experiences, it’s how many of us learned to stay safe, get approval, or avoid conflict. But as adults, it costs us so much.
Here’s what people-pleasing actually does:
Erodes your self-respect
Creates resentment (even if you smile through it)
Makes you feel invisible in your own life
Keeps you overextended, anxious, and low-key angry
The good news? You can unlearn it. And you don’t have to become a cold, boundary-obsessed robot to do it! Saying no is not the same things as being unkind, and not doing everything for everybody isn’t selfish, it’s healthy. Healthy is setting some boundaries and sticking with them… healthy is taking time for you… healthy is making yourself as important as everybody else.
If you haven’t been making any room for yourself, people probably expect you to say yes all the time. They might even be surprised when you don’t and not that nice about it… but you'll see that pushing back is better than giving in. Once you gain a little bit more confidence, you’ll be able to cordially say no and not make an enemy. It just takes practice!
Three shifts that actually work:
Pause before agreeing.
“Can I get back to you?” is a complete sentence. You’re allowed to think before you commit.Notice where the guilt comes from.
Guilt isn’t always a red flag. Sometimes it’s just a sign that you're doing something new—like honoring your own needs.Start with low-stakes boundaries.
Don’t start by confronting your mom about your childhood. Start by telling your coworker you won’t be answering emails after 6.
This isn’t about being selfish! It’s about being self-respecting. Therapy can help you understand where this pattern came from….and how to outgrow it without losing your empathy or your sanity.
Ready to unlearn the habits that are burning you out?
I help smart, capable adults stop people-pleasing, manage anxiety, and build better boundaries…..without overhauling their whole personality. I have openings for private pay clients in [Boise/Austin/and online], and you can reach out here if you’re ready for something different!
Reach out today to schedule your first appointment!
Text (208) 495-5591 to schedule